Death Of A Stationery Store
by Red Witch
Summary: The Figgis Agency goes to another store closing in order to get out of another meeting.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone right to a store closing. Once again, real life has inspired madness. **

**Death Of A Stationery Store **

"Yawwwn!" Cheryl stretched and woke up from the couch in the bullpen. "Where is everyone? Damn it! Did I fall into a coma too?"

"Not a real one," Lana sighed as the other members of the Figgis Agency walked into the bullpen. "You overdosed on absinthe and groovy bears again."

"Which was only an hour and a half ago," Krieger said. "I'm surprised. Normally a binge like that would have you passed out all day."

"I think her tolerance is getting stronger," Pam explained. "Which is shocking because she's skinnier than the railing on a shoddy carnival ride."

"Damn it!" Cheryl grumbled. "I wanted an exciting coma dream season for my very own. Maybe like a vampire version where me and Colin Robinson run around draining people's energy? And I could have an affair with Guillermo or something? But if I was an energy vampire, I can't go on any bloody rampages. Wow. There really is a drawback for everything isn't there?"

"I'm not so sure about that," Ray sighed. "There may not be a drawback if you suddenly got laryngitis."

"Hey say what you will," Cheryl said. "But Lazlo and Nadia have the best relationship on TV! They sure blow away Lana and Archer that's for sure!"

"Let's just pretend Cheryl didn't **say anything**," Cyril sighed. "And go on and have a meeting."

"Let's not," Ray said. "And we can just pretend you **said something**."

"I second the motion," Lana held up her hand.

"Fine, let's everyone sit down and get this over with," Cyril sighed.

"Get this _over with_?" Ray asked. "I'm guessing even **you **don't want your own meetings."

"More like I don't want the usual insane drek that comes with them," Cyril corrected him.

"Hey guys!" Pam spoke up. "I almost forgot! They're having a final clearance sale at the Scroll Store in the mall!"

"Like **that,**" Cyril groaned.

"The Scroll Store is going out of business?" Ray asked. "I **love **that place. I can't believe it's closing up!"

"I can't believe we're talking about shopping again," Cyril remarked. "Oh wait, yes I **can**! We talk about **nothing else** around here!"

"Isn't that the store that sells those fancy greeting cards?" Lana asked. "As well as unique pens and other gifts?"

"Not anymore," Pam said. "Everything is now 40-70 percent off."

"I vote that we disband this meeting and go check the sale out!" Ray held up his hand.

"I second the motion," Pam waved.

"Third," Lana held up her hand. Everyone looked at her. "What? They have toys there. Plus, I could use some extra birthday and thank you cards cheap! Besides I don't want to stay in another meeting."

"That's **another** reason!" Cheryl raised her hand. "I vote store closing!"

"Me too!" Krieger raised his hand. "They have novelty pens!"

"And lots of paper…" Ray added.

"Nothing like the death of a retail store and scoring cheap deals to make your day," Pam added.

"It does give you a warm, fuzzy feeling doesn't it?" Cheryl sighed happily.

"I do like novelty pens," Cyril admitted. "And have been thinking about starting a collection."

"There's some in the shape of hammers and screwdrivers," Pam said. "As well as flowers, unicorns, dragons, mermaids…"

"How buxom are the mermaids?" Krieger asked.

"Pretty reasonable for a pen," Pam shrugged. "I mean its not X rated but still…"

"Okay let's go!" Cyril said. "Meeting adjourned! Let's go to the store! What? I always wanted a pen in the shape of a screwdriver!"

"More like you want something to screw…" Cheryl began. "Wait, I had something for this…"

"One more thing," Cyril said. "I don't want to see any fires at this store! You hear me? NO FIRES!"

Everyone looked at Cheryl. "What?" She asked.

Not long after at the mall…

"Another day, another store closing," Lana sighed as she carried a hand basket with some items in them around the colorful card store. "God the retail economy gets worse every day."

"Well at some of these prices are you _surprised_?" Cyril looked at a card. "Some of these cards are ten or fifteen dollars each! And that's **after** markdown!"

"Just get them at the dollar store like I do," Pam waved.

"They have cards at the **dollar store**?" Krieger asked. "How much are they?"

"Aww! They have Buzzy Boos!" Ray squealed when he saw a large rack of cute stuffed toys. "I like Buzzy Boos!"

"So does AJ," Lana said as she looked at them. "She's gotten good grades. I guess one or two won't…Are these things still **full price?"**

_"Seriously?"_ Ray groaned.

"They're the only valuable things left in the store," Pam said. "Are you surprised?"

"This is why the majority of the retail market sucks," Cyril groaned.

"I don't know," Pam looked out the window. "That Nile Prime pop-up store over there is doing pretty well."

"I rest my case," Cyril groaned. He looked around. "Where's Cheryl?"

"Does this store sell glue?" Lana asked.

"A little bit," Pam said. "Uh oh…"

"Hello!" Cheryl walked up to them with a happy look on her face. She was sniffing some glue. "You know this glue isn't as sticky as my usual brand but it does smell nice."

"Cheryl!" Lana snapped. "You could get in trouble for sniffing that glue out in the open."

"Somehow I don't think so…" Cheryl grinned.

"I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" A saleswoman was heard yelling.

"What were you doing?" Cyril asked.

"Just talking to the sales people," Cheryl grinned.

"I **know** that look," Cyril pointed. "I know **that look**! What did you **do?**"

"I think we're going to go over **there,**" Ray pointed. "Where we can pretend that we don't know Cheryl. Come on Krieger." They moved away from the group.

"What did you do Cheryl?" Cyril snapped.

"I wasn't starting any fires," Cheryl grinned. "Swearsies-realsies!"

"Oh good," Cyril rolled his eyes. "**That **narrows it down to a million other things!"

"I am so getting out of retail!" A salesgirl was shouting to her fellow employees. "The crabby customers. The rotten hours. The low pay! And for what? Three years of my life down the drain! I'm sick of it!"

"The store's closing and going out of business," The female manager sighed. "And I heard one of the CEO's just got arrested for embezzlement. What more do you want?"

"Severance pay!" The first salesgirl snapped. "Or failing that, whatever we can carry!"

"We can't steal from our store," A second salesgirl spoke up.

"Why not?" The first one asked. "You heard our manager! Most of this stuff is just going to either be given back to the vendors or go to a landfill! No one's going to miss it!"

"What are they going to do?" A third salesgirl snapped to the other. "**Fire us**?"

"You could start a fire and burn the place down!" Cheryl called out.

"CHERYL!" The others snapped.

"What?" Cheryl asked. "I promised **I** wouldn't set any fires. I didn't say anything about encouraging **other people** to set them!"

**"There's** the loophole around our necks!" Cyril moaned.

"What did you say to those people?" Lana asked Cheryl.

"Not as much as I thought I needed to say," Cheryl shrugged. "You think **we** get low pay for a lot of abuse…"

"To be fair," Pam said. "Ever since Ms. Archer stopped coming into the office it's gotten a lot better. Cyril you are nowhere **near** Ms. Archer's level of malevolence."

"Thanks. I think…" Cyril remarked.

"Excuse me," A woman walked up to the salespeople with some merchandise. "Could you just put this in back and hold it for me until the prices go lower?"

"Could you just blow it out your ear?" The first salesgirl snapped.

"WHAT?" The woman shouted.

"Uh what she means to say," The manager coughed. "Is that no, I'm afraid we can't do that."

"Well!" The angry woman huffed. "I'll never shop **here **again!"

"**Brilliant observation** Madame Curie," Pam snickered.

_"Excuse me?"_ The angry woman glared at Pam.

"She means the store is **closing** stupid!" Cheryl laughed.

"Yeah and you know **why** this store is closing?" The first salesgirl snapped.

"Bad customer service and overpriced merchandise?" Someone asked.

"It's because of people like **you**!" The first salesgirl pointed to the customers. "You people are **idiots!"**

"Natalie!" The manager gasped.

"Oh, this just got **good**," Pam smirked. "You tell 'em honey! Let it all out!"

"Oh God…" Lana groaned. "This just got **bad."**

"I am so sick of all your **stupid** complaints!" Natalie shouted. "_Why can't I get cash instead of store credit even though I don't have a receipt? Why can't I keep shopping after closing time? Why can't you sell this to me at a lower price even though it's a __**store**__ not a stall in a bazar in Marrakesh?" _

"Retail would be the perfect job," The third salesgirl said. "If it wasn't for the customers."

"Another day, another incident of retail rage," Cyril sighed.

"God bless America," Pam grinned and recorded the whole thing with her phone.

"You know what I **really love**?" Natalie kept going. "When you people are told **thirty times** that the malls is closing but you still wander around like you have all the time in the world. Then you get mad when you're locked in and can't understand why we have to have a security guard let you out! That wouldn't happen if you paid attention to your surroundings! YOU THINK YOU'RE THE **ONLY ONE** WHOSE TIME IS VALUABLE? YOU'RE **NOT!** OTHER PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO GET HOME!"

"It was not **that hard** to get her going," Cheryl said to the others.

"I gathered that yeah," Lana sighed.

"You people walk in here acting like spoiled entitled bitches and we're all your servants!" Natalie snapped. "I've **had** it! I'm getting out of retail and getting into business school!"

"Interesting strategy," Lana rolled her eyes. "Considering more than 80 percent of business is some form of sales."

"I don't have to stand here and listen to this!" The woman sniffed. "**This **is why people prefer shopping online!"

"I prefer it if you shopped **online** too!" Natalie snapped. "Then I wouldn't have to see your ugly face and listen to your whining!"

"This is **so much better** than a meeting!" Cheryl squealed with glee.

"I will **never** shop here **again!**" The angry woman screamed.

"That is not as much a threat as you think it is," Natalie snorted.

"Again," Pam said. "The store is **closing!** Half of the reason is because of online shopping!"

"Yeah go ahead and do all your shopping online," The third salesgirl called out. "Let's see how **that** ends up for you! Oh right, you end up paying more for shipping and ten to thirty percent of the time your packages get **stolen**!"

"Or wrecked," Cheryl added. "Or burned…"

"Fewer stores, fewer jobs in the economy…" Pam added. "Which will tank sooner or later like a lead balloon."

"Pam!" Cyril shouted. "Cheryl…"

"And then they'll jack up the prices once all the stores are gone," Natalie added. "Good luck having Nile Prime as your corporate overlords!"

"Natalie, I think you need to go on break…" The manager coughed.

"Oh, I need a **break **all right!" Natalie snapped as she grabbed some nearby Buzzy Boos and started throwing them at people.

"Hey!" The woman snapped as a Buzzy Boo hit her in the face.

"Yay!" Cheryl grabbed one in midair. "I got a kitty!"

"AAAHHH!" There was screaming as salespeople and customers alike started to throw objects.

"And of course, this devolves into a riot," Cyril sighed as he and the others moved out of the line of fire.

"AAAAHH!" One of the saleswomen was using a long roll of wrapping paper as a combination club and lightsaber to whack customers. And her manager.

"OKAY! THAT'S IT!" The manager shouted as she grabbed a long roll of wrapping paper of her own. "I'M NOT PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS ABUSE! EN GUARDE!"

"Is it just me?" Pam asked as they watched the manager and the saleswoman duel with the wrapping paper like two Jedi masters. "Or are people a bit more tense lately?"

"DEATH BY SNOWGLOBE!" A crazed customer threw snow globes at the wall. "HA HA HA!"

"It's not just you," Lana admitted.

"I blame the Internet," Cheryl said.

"I'd blame something else that would hold up better in court," Cyril remarked as they watched the mayhem.

"HA HA! HA! HA!" Natalie lit up one of the rolls of wrapping paper like a torch. "BURN! BURN! BURN! HA! HA! HA!"

"I like her!" Cheryl grinned.

"I'd like to go somewhere for once without a **fire** showing up!" Cyril moaned.

Then water started to rain down on them. "Apparently this store has a very efficient sprinkler system," Lana sighed as they started to get drenched.

"You know the drill!" Cyril shouted. "Grab whatever you can and **run!**"

"Here we go again!" Lana groaned as she did so. "Still better than a damn meeting!"

Soon the drenched Figgis Agency was sitting at a nearby café drinking coffee at a table. "Well that was productive…" Cyril groaned. "You know my sweater vest is cashmere! Dry clean only!"

"Just hang it up in the bathroom and let it air dry," Ray said. "It'll be fine!"

"Okay let's count the loot," Pam sighed as they put their ill-gotten goods on the table. "I got six pens, a cute Buzzy Boos cow doll, some very soggy envelopes…And a new video for my blog! Store meltdowns always get more internet buzz!"

"Two pens," Cheryl said. "A Buzzy Boo kitty. Three mini candles, bottle of specialty glue and some stickers."

"Three pens," Lana admitted. "Two Buzzy Boos. A cat and a bunny rabbit. A mini notepad. And a pencil bag with some designer erasers."

"Five pens," Cyril took them out of his pocket. "A notepad. And a llama ring bowl. I have **no idea** why I grabbed that."

"I'll trade you the llama ring bowl for this pen shaped like a screwdriver," Lana showed him.

"Deal!" Cyril shrugged and they made the trade. "Well at least I got **something** out of this disaster. Not much…"

"I wouldn't say that," Krieger remarked.

"We got more than you think," Ray said.

"What?" Lana asked.

Soon the gang was looking at the contents of what was in the Rush Van in the parking lot. "We got five boxes of gift wrap," Krieger counted the numerous boxes in the van. "Two boxes of pens both regular and novelty. Sixteen packets of designer stationery. Three boxes of Buzzy Boos which we can either use as gifts or sell online…"

"Or keep one or two for ourselves," Ray whistled casually. "I really like the pink kitty! Okay?"

"He did earn his share," Cheryl said to the others.

"We got stickers, paper..." Krieger counted. "Envelopes. Thank you notes. Glue…"

"That's **my share**!" Cheryl called out.

"We figured," Ray told her.

"How did you steal **this much**?" Lana gasped. "Oh right. Super speed."

"Duh!" Ray rolled his eyes. "Plus, it was easy to sneak back there and grab the boxes once Cheryl provided a distraction."

"Now we have plenty of extra office supplies," Krieger grinned.

"And stickers!" Pam said cheerfully. "What? I like stickers!"

"We stole office and gift supplies," Lana sighed. "And caused a riot. Still more productive than a meeting."

"See Cyril," Cheryl said cheerfully. "**I** didn't set **any fires**! I kept my promise!"

"One of these days I am going to keep **my promise**," Cyril groaned. "Of getting as far away from these people as I can!"


End file.
